I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
You Might Also Like
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.