What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Left at a local drug store…
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.