Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
You Might Also Like
I’d use my best pan on you.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
8yo: mommy how old are you?
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.