What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are


My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison


8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?


You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets


As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”


[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.