[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”