facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.