@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

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@onion_an

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@UtahMomsLife

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

@GroperCleveland

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@L8yK8y

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

@SugarMagicSpice

‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”