What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.