what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The Joker was right
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?