what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.


My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.


Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.


Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.


If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.


i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.


[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day