what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Sex so good you see dead people.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.