What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
You Might Also Like
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.