Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.