@dadtellsjokes

What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?

Werewolf?

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@sammyrhodes

No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.

@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@northcoastkevin

[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@ColeyGuacamole_

When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”

@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.