video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets