What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?


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No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.


The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.


[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.


I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?


When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.