@AbrasiveGhost

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

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@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@RalstonReports

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

@Sickayduh

“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”

@mrtruthandsoul

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos