What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”