Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?
Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades