What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I have a black belt in leather
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*