@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

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@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@English_Channel

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

@DanMentos

*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@WendyLiebman

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

@Tmoney68

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”omgthatspunny”;s:5:”image”;s:75:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1897104686/Finished_PUNNY_3.2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”346765466682945537″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”341″;s:5:”tweet”;s:82:”When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@TheMichaelRock

I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?