What did watching Cinderella teach us?


It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.


cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession


*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”


ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.


[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”


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I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?