Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Do not steal food from the science building!
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.