What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
translated into Canadian
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.