What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
!!!!!!!!!!!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
