@TheLordHasSpoke

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

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@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@DirtMcTurd

I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…

@SteveSuckington

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

@CarolineSiede

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.