Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…
I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.