what do i do next

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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them


ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon


[DAY 6]
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.


God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?


DR DOG: The test results came back.
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*


You see two puppies.
But they’re cannibal puppies!
One puppy eats the other!
Then he takes a nap.


I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.