whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
You Might Also Like
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.