@jwoodham

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

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@chuuew

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

@canunots

parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!

clock: 11:01

me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@JohnLyonTweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@SocialExtortion

Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak

@ericacanrant

Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*

@GrrrRach

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.