What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value


parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!

clock: 11:01

me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now


stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80


[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
M: How you doin’?


The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.


The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.


Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak


Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*


How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.


Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.