@jwoodham

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

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@desi_princess

No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.

@mishakey

Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.

@PhilJamesson

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

@robdelaney

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

@riralovex

Nvm = you should have listened when I was talking to you.

@karanbirtinna

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??