Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes