What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.