“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Breaking news:
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.