I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house
What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?
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Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]