@dugglebutt

What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?

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@VisionBored1

I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@jazmasta

[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“No”
“Didn’t think so”

@PinkCamoTO

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

@HeidiCF8

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

@iLikeCatShirts

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]