What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?


[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.


I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.


“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”


I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.


My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.


ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic


me: you wanna hang out later?

her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’

me: please mom i miss you


BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir


Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles