@dumbbeezie

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

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@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@WilliamAder

When the hot singles found out I was in their area they moved.

@GaryJanetti

Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

@trojansauce

[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@EllaZee5

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

@OllyiConic

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle