What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
that lip filler tho
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
😂😂
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.