Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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When the hot singles found out I was in their area they moved.
Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.
[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[guy who’s about to invent carbonation]
*drinking water* i wish this hurt