My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
You Might Also Like
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me too 😆
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Science memes
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.