@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

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@AndrewNadeau0

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

@abbycohenwl

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

@neonwario

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@EricBedner

“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”

@VerifiedDrunk

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping