they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather