What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You Might Also Like
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
That took me a moment.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
broke down and did it
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones