@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

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@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@JohnLyonTweets

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@Storminika

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@Hadzilla

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table