Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes