My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉