What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

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[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes


please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there


I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”


HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15