WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The dark side of Canada
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Hitlers gonna hitl
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS