Me: maybe I should turn on the news
[17 seconds later]
Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes
if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial