What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?

You Might Also Like


Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned


Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.


*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.


Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.


if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically


Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing


I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial