What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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This could be us… but you playing
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
😏😏😏
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Tier 3 meme
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!