@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

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@trishimal25

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@PickleRudd

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

@awkwardphilippe

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

@chuuew

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

@juliussharpe

Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.

@KeetPotato

[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@david8hughes

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage