aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed