Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.
[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage