Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever