me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
i made a craigslist ad !
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
this has to be peak English