WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?