What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.