WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
*cough*
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.