@TheAlexNevil

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

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@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@truegritrumble

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@graceupongracie

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

@internetluke

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

@TheHyyyype

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

@MumInBits

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

@RodLacroix

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.