WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
getting groceries
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.