What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
This kinda thing happens to me often
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.