I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.