MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Here’s a meme
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.