oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?