Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.