WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Holy moly
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.