“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.


I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.


*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”


“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.


turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁


Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is.

Him: No drugs.

Me: Got it… Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year