@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

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@ibid78

If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@Darlainky

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

@DadandBuried

Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!