Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is.
Him: No drugs.
Me: Got it… Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year