“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This is why I hate group projects
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
house sitting!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”