“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping