*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.
*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.
*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.