@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

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@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

@TheAlexNevil

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?


Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

@sixfootcandy

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

@badbanana

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@Jessdaisy

Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@aveuaskew

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

@nerdreign

Some days it’s little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we’re alone, that help me realize I’d rather have the insurance money.