i havent decided yet


i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

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*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*


[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS


i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here


Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong


I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.


Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.


If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it


*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.