@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

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@TheBeerGuy73

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@Mom_Overboard

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

@ryanyeetz

i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here

@Canadian_Cutie_

Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong

@vtg2

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

@rzarosco

If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.

@DurtMcHurtt

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.