WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?