@specialhug

what do we want

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

when do we want them

NNNNEEOOOW

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@thesulk

If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person