If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
what do we want
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
when do we want them
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I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person