I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.