I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I WON A HAM TODAY