[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
(more comics:
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.