If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
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I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)
If you’re testing me, we failed.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?