Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@SuperTeeWhy

[School]
Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?

Child1: Ghosts!
Child2: Dogs!
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

@samfromks

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

@gruffybeard

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

@MamaFlores

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re testing me, we failed.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?