Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ObscureGent

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

@Reverend_Scott

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

@fuzzlime

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

@alanritchson

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

@prodigis

*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*